A letter to my parents about my divorce.
Mum and dad, I am sorry.
I am sorry that I have retreated into myself with the intensity of a thousand suns who are too afraid of shining their light onto the Earth.
I am sorry I have shut you out of my life. Please understand I have done so because it is too painful for me having to see you through the screen of a computer and not being able to receive the hug I so desperately need right now from you. Forgive me, but it is too painful for me having to see the pain in your faces because you know you can do so little to help me from where you are. I am sorry, I know that is not the case at all, but I cannot help but feel embarrassed about my failed marriage when I see you two.
They say the trauma of a divorce affects the entire family. I am glad you didn’t get to love him nearly as much as I do and I am thankful the distance is between you and him now, because the sorrow of losing your son-in-law is most likely not as intense as it has been for me to have lost my husband. I am sorry if I think the trauma is not as bad for you just because you are there and I am here, but I believe I like to think that way because it diminishes your suffering, thus diminishing mine — the thought of you suffering because I couldn’t make my marriage work kills me.
I am sorry he is treating you the same way he is treating me — with indifference, as if you were nothing to him. I cannot help but think this is also my fault. I am sorry his parents, whom you love so deeply, are also keeping their distance from you. I am sorry I have made you believe I was part of their family — now I see I never was. I have the feeling you two thought I was safe here and his family would never hurt me, but no one can predict the future. I thought they could never hurt me too, but look where we are now.
I am sorry I have been keeping you in the dark. I don’t want you to know how much I’ve been enduring, because I know how much despair that would cause you. I guess now you know. But I don’t want you to worry about me. I am being strong like I was always taught to be.
I am sorry for the short and uncomfortable video calls. Please understand I do not know how to be myself now, but I don’t want anyone to know that, specially you, and I am sure that you two are the only ones I cannot fool. I am sorry for lying every time I say I’m fine, but I suspect you already know I’m not. I have to keep pretending, for when I break down in front of you, via video, I’m not sure I could ever come back from that.
I am sorry my choice of living on the other side of the globe is something that is so hard for everyone, and is something that makes it so hard for you to be with me when I need you the most. I hope you understand this is a choice I made, and I stand by it. It’s not your fault you cannot give me the support you think you should give me, it’s my fault.
I want you to know that I am going to be okay. I want you to know that I have to go through this alone. I want you to know that, as much as you love me, you cannot protect me from all the cruel things life has to offer, but I also want you to know that I will do my absolute best to learn from those things instead of allowing them to define me. My failed marriage does not define me, but how I react to it and the things I learn from it will, and I hope you get to be proud of me when I come out on the other side.
Mum and dad, right now I am sinking very very deep and all I can see is darkness. Bare with me. I am going to be alright once I reach the surface, and I cannot wait to see your faces when you see me happy again. I will be shining the light of a thousand suns onto everything my eyes and my smile can reach.
Most of all, I love you, and I hope one day you can understand why right now I cannot be.
